Old Lady Names / Grandma Names

Gladys
Lois
Wilma
Wanda
Winnifred
Anita
Beatrice
Persephone
Olivia
Josephine
Eleanor
Blanche
Eunice
Muriel
Dorothy
Abigael
Ethel
Esther
Dorris
Donna
Margaret
Maude
Myrtle
Mildrid
Matilda
Miriam
Gertrude
Cornelia
Agnes
Helen
Helga
Pearl
Edna
Enid

Old Man Names / Grandpa Names

Milton

Emmett

Horace

Mortimer

Cornelius

Walter

Felix

Gideon

Hubert

Leroy

Lionel

Morris

Wilbur

Winston

Grover

Arthur

Albert

Bernard

Edger

Ernest

Ernie

Franklin

Frederick

Melvin

Ralph

Baxter

Conrad

Hershel

Hugo

Jarvis

Leopold

Leo

Magnus

Milton

Norbert

Maximilian

Maxwell

Ike

Seymour

Francis

Emil

Elmer

Cornelius

Virgil

Humphrey

Cecil

Percy

Cyrus

Burt

Owen

Lawrence

Chairman Miaow

Don't talk to Chinese people about the election. It gets awkward quickly.

Band Plays

Here's an imaginary concert to bring all your imaginary friends to.

Experiences

When someone says they are "young at heart", what they really mean is they don't have a lot of life experience.

If there was a female version of Christopher Walken, I think she would almost certianly be Asian.

You can not appreciate something, but still enjoy it.

Grapefruit

Which is the gayer drink, Squirt or Fresca?

It's just that, sure, one's sugar free, but the other has that packaging.

Band Names 2

You didn't care the first time, but here's some more possible names for my next band:::

The Mantis and the Fentis
Spocksploitation
Unisex Grapes
The Submarinators
Diction Junction
The Savory Somethings
Pake Felican
Five and One Half Rock Machine
Gunstache

Once again,
For anyone interested in joining my band, we (I) are (am) currently looking for a guitarist, bassist, drummer, and a kazoo, cowbell, and a digery doo player. Theremin experience also a plus. Let me know!

JC Penny

Today I went to JC Penny.

Band Names

I've been thinking a lot about what I what I want to name my next band. Here are some of the ideas I can remember.

Dragons Wear High Heels
Bright Shiny Meat
Urethra Franklin
Girls Who Like Boys Who Drive Cars
Pig Candy
Now With Vitamin C
Bruce Lee is Missing an Eye
Naked Robot 1984
The Richest Bums You Know


So tell me what you guys think!

For anyone interested in joining my band, we are currently looking for a guitarist, bassist, drummer, and a kazoo, cowbell, and a digery doo player. Theremin experience also a plus. Let me know!

Expensive as Crap

So I'm in my Environmental Biology class one Friday and somehow we get on the topic of the price of coffee. Our professor tells us that the most expensive coffee in the world goes for $800 a pound.
"Do you know why it costs so much? They feed the beans to ferrets. The ferrets poop 'em out, and they wash it off and sell it."

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With all the sincerity as if she were about to buy a bag, one of my classmates asks, "But the coffee tastes good, right?"

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Blown away at the thought someone would be intrigued by anything that has passed through the colon of a small mammal, I said, "Have you ever tasted the inside of a ferret? -AMAZING."

Why I hate Pennies

I throw pennies away. Some people my find that shocking, but really, there's so much to hate. Why in my right mind would I just "flush money down the toilet"? I decided that the thrill I get of aiming for the basket and scoring is worth more than 1/100 of a dollar in entertainment value.

I hate noting more than when someone drops a penny and decides to pick it back up. If I was offered a job where I did nothing but pick up individual pennies off the floor, I would flat out refuse. Suppose the average person takes 5 seconds to see a penny on the floor, crouch drown, pick at it, grasp it, stand back up, and put it in their pocket. Even if I somehow fought off the inevitable backaches, I would only be making $7.20 an hour. Isn't your free time worth more to you than that?

Even the government hates the penny. A raw copper chunk equal in weight to a huge sack of pennies is more valuable than the pennies themselves. That's right. If you melted down 1000 pennies, it would be worth more than $10.00 just as an amorphous chunk. The US Mint would be losing millions and millions of dollars, were they still making pennies out of copper.

So the next time you see an elderly lady or gentleman start to go for that penny on the floor, do them a favor and kick it away from them as quickly as possible. If their frail minds can't wrap themselves around what's going on, and ask why you did that, simply reply, "I know you used to be able to buy four moon pies for a cent, but this is the freakin 21st Century. The penny is just about as significant as your memories of whatever bygone era you were spawned from."

Sorry, I got a little passionate there. Just kick it under wherever.

Bad Names

These are the names, in order, that I will give my children, regardless of sex:

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Pannine.
Jimmifer.
Climpton.
Kinderly.
Barbaduce.
Melvis.
Boster.
Lychney.
Diarehba.
Marritime Betty.

My Deepest Thoughts

Inheritance is its own reward.

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I could never suck a penis.
They remind me too much of bananas.

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Now's a good time for bad things to happen.

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I don't really like big butts. It's just fun to sing along to. I like small butts.

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I was raised Lutheran. There's way too much stereotyping of Catholic priests being child molesters. I just think that Lutheran ministers are really under represented.

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"Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory."
-"I heard that in my psychology class."
"Oh really? I heard it in an Axe commercial."

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